Kingdom Hearts: The Truth Exposed
by SilverBitterness
Summary: My take on the game Kingdom Hearts.Giant keys, talking animals, plot holes, and Justin Timberlake music? This is not the Kingdom Hearts you know and love. Humor abounds in this fic with randomness out every exit. Welcome to Truth Exposed
1. Chapter 1

Kingdom Hearts: The TRUTH

By: Silvertongue

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I don't own ANYTHING mentioned here. I don't own Disney. I don't Own Square-Enix. I also do not the random quotes featured in my fics. Those belong to other people. Most importantly (or sadly) I do NOT own Kingdom Hearts ...if I did you'd KNOW. BOYS EVERYWHERE...TOUCHING. OH GOD THE TOUCHING.

Warnings: This contains slash mentionings, Kairi bashing, swearingm, and a bunch of other crap

THE BEGINNING

Square: LET'S MAKE ANOTHER ANGST FEST!! drinks coffee out of human skull mugs and plots things

Disney: skips up playing with a Mickey Doll Hey can we play with you guys?

Or maybe it happened like this...

Disney: finishes writing a HUGE stack of papers FINISHED! It shall be the GREATEST GAME EVA!!

Square: steals No no this will never do! changes whole script There see now it's better! There's KEYS now!

Disney: But...now it's all your stuff...and who fights with a giant key?!...OMFG there's GUY ON GUY?! This is not Disney!

Square:...Ok we'll save that for the second game...meanwhile it'll sell like hotcakes!

Michael Eisner: MONEY!! AND PANCAKES?! WTF ARE WE WAITING FOR?! LET'S DO IT!

Other Disney people: but...but the children...

Michael Eisner: SCREW THE CHILDREN I HAVE MONEY!!

The CHARACTERS:

Sora: I'm Sora...the Square part of me is brave and secretly emo while the Disney part of me is suicidal over the fanfics that will be written about me, Riku, and every other guy in this game giving it up behind the bleachers.

Kairi: I'm only here so Disney can say they didn't make this game completly gay

Riku: I'M SEXY and angsty...but MOSTLY SEXY

Selphie, Tidus, Wakka: We Just Don't Matter!

Donald and Goofy:...Do we have to say it?

THE DREAM

cue opening music that is pretty but has NO MEANING and does not correlate whatsoever to the opening cinematics

Utada: Hey it gets me paid shrugs

Utada Fans: OMFG UTA-CHAN!! LEMME TOUCH YOU CAUSE IN JAPAN IT'S TOTALLY LEGAL

Sora: stands on beach

Riku: stands in water AND LOOKS SEXY DOIN IT

Sora: OMFG YOU DIDN'T WAIT AN HOUR AFTER EATING!!

Riku: Well you better come get me then holds out hand

Tidal Wave: I DON'T THINK SO BITCHES! hits them both and laughs

Riku: is held afloat by his SEXINESS

Sora: drowns

Kairi: walks along beach Wow...for a 14 year old skank I sure am pretty tiny...weird

Sora: pops up like Ariel Take that you red head whore!

Kairi: Sora...LET'S DO IT!

Sora: OMG THERE'S SOMETHING IN THE SKY!! totally ignores Kairi

Kairi: points Wow...Sqaure loves their random yet totally foreshadowing angst scenes don't they?

Sora: WTF IS THAT?!

Kairi: HOLY CRAP QUICKSAND points down

Sora: Crap...sinks into sand

Sora: lands in water...AGAIN Well that totally defies logic...

Mysterious Glass Print of Snow White: DEFIES SCIENCE BY BEING THERE

Mysterious Voice: CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSE

ONLY ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Sora: Oo Umm ok...

Weapons: POP UP

Sora: Isn't this made of glass?

MV: yea what's your point?

Sora: umm well wouldn't this thing break if pedestals were THRUST UP THROUGH IT? Actually shouldn't it have broken once I LANDED ON IT...with my GIANT SHOES?!

MV: ...No

Sora: picks the shield Wow I bet this thing is tough!

MV:...face palm

Author: I seriously do not know why that damn shield is a choosable weapon. I mean COME ON! A Shield?!

Sora: Let's go! fights Heartless while doing MEANINGLESS taks

MV: Ok...See that door? You need to hit that barrel to open it. Go ahead...Take your time.

Sora:...That doesn't seem to make much sense...

MV: Yes it does...what would you know? You don't even go to school!

Sora: DO TOO! It's..has hand clapped over mouth

MV: HUSH...we can't know about that til the second game!

Sora: What do people actually think all we ever do is run about un-supervised on this tiny little island all the time? COME ON

Darkside: leaps out of Sora's shadow causing MASSIVE MENTAL TRAUMA to Sora and a side order of foreshadowing to the gamers

Sora: ok that's it...I'm waking up

DESTINY ISLANDS

Setting: VERY SMALL ISLAND in the MIDDLE OF NOWHERE, LIGHTYEARS AWAY FROM CIVALIZATION.

Buzz Lightyear: TO INFINITY...AND BEYOND!!

The Author:...no one even remembers who you are.

Sora: snoozes quite close to the water and apparently has NO CONCERNS of drowning mumble mumble...damn foreshadowing dreams...paopu leaves...gotta stop eating them

Kairi: assertes her role as a confident woman and beats the smack out of her potential love interest RESPECT ME! OBEY! WAKE UP AND TELL ME I'M PRETTY!!

Sora: WTF HOR! I mean uhh...let me babble incessently and stare at you, asking you pointless questions about your homeland so it can be brought up as a plot point later. he does so

SoKai fans: OMFG THEY ARE ON THE SAME BEACH!! It'S DESTINY!!

The Author: LITERALLY...get it? Destiny...the Islands?...oh whatever..

SoKai Fans: crickets

Kairi: Hold up there my good chums...this wouldn't be a Square game if there wasn't ROMANTIC ANGST. Enter the "Sexy Best Friend/Love Rival!"

Loudspeakers: cue Sexy Back music

Sora: When did the Island get speakers? Or music that wasn't from the 1980's?!

Riku: struts up LOOKING SEXY What up bitches? cocky grin Let me assert my male dominance over Sora by CHUCKING THIS LOG AT HIM he does

Sora: is hit by LARGE LOG and flails about in the water as his friends DO NOTHING

oh wait they flirt...

Kairi: giggles and shamelessy tries to come on to Rike cause let's be honest: he's freakin hot

Riku: flirts right back

Riku: stares at Sora with MEANINGFUL LOOK

Kairi: drool

Sora: a cobweb filled gear slowly turning

Sora: WHY WON'T PUBERTY HIT ME YET?!

Riku: no you'll get there soon...you'll just have to sleep in a giant egg caccoon thing for about a year and suffer immense emotial and mental anguish and then when you get out we can discover our latent homosexual feelings for each other and FLAUNT IT all over the second game (which is technically the third)...sound good to you?

The Author: Oh right...SPOILER WARNING

SoRi fangirls: YAY!! WE EXIST

Sora:...Can I buy some pot from you?

Disney Fans: OMFG DRUGS?! IN A DISNEY GAME?! WE ARE SHOCKED!! (and probably self-righteous!)

The Author:Yea well GOD FORBID Disney have ANYTHING bad for kids...like their movies aren't FULL of innuendo and HIDDEN SECRETS (HITN HINT HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME)

Disney Fans: well...stfu

Kairi: Let's run along the beach for no reason and just to make you guys fight against each other for me (so I can feel wanted even though I'm a whore), LETS MAKE IT A RACE!!

Riku: is staring at Sora

Sora: is staring at Riku

Everyone Playing: wtf... OO

Sora: If I win I get Kairi

SoRi Fans: NOOOOOO SO CLOSE!!

SoKai Fans: HA DISNEY LOVE SHALL ALWAYS BE PURE!!

Riku: yea well if I win we're gonna go in the Secret Place for some "fighting time"

SoRi Fans: TALK TO THE HAND

Kairi: RUN DAMN YOU!! I COMMAND IT!! breathes flames

Riku: YIPE! Girl anger! looks at Sora one more time then runs off

Sora: sees a crab coming out of the water OMFG RUN!!

GIANT LOGO DESCENDS FROM SKY

Sora: OH DEAR GOD!! WE'LL BE CRUSHED BY IT! screams like a girl

Riku: wow...1 hour into the game we have the title show up...This is the weirdest game ever

Sora: Ok so what now?

Kairi: GO GET ME THINGS! Seriously we need stuff...

Sora: gets list

Sora: gets things after SEARCHING for HOURS for the DAMN COCONUTS and WATER

Sora: why am I the only one doing this?!

Kairi: Because your my slave-bitch. Accept it.

Sora: wtf are we gonna do with all this crap anyway?

Kairi: you idiot this is for our plot device/trip. We're gonna sail off to find other worlds!

Sora: you mean we're gonna sail on that TWO INCH WIDE ricketey RAFT into the FIERCE UNFORGIVING OCEAN filled with SHARKS for DAYS and our only provisions will be 3 fish, a rope, ONE BOTTLE of fresh water, and 2 COCONUTS?! AND YET I'M THE IDIOT?!

Kairi: ...it was Riku's idea.

Sora: where is he anyway?

MEANWHILE on the little Paopu island...

Riku: plays with Sora and Riku dolls

Riku: why yes Riku...I DO WANT YOU! Your supreme masculinity, awesome hair, bulging muscles that have no purpose being on a fifteen year old, and sparkling eyes have swayed me!

Every Girl playing: OH TOTALLY

Riku: makes the dolls make out

Riku: yea...that's totally how it's gonna happen...

Sora: runs up I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!

Riku: tosses dolls into ocean then lays the smackdown on Sora

Sora: cries like a bitch

Fangirls: marvel over how FLEXIBLE Riku is

The Author: HOW DOEs HE DO HIS LEGS LIKE THAT?! OO

SOMETIME LATER

Kairi sits upon her throne I grow bored with this...I demand you two fight over me again. Winner gets some in the SECRET PLACE

Sora: ok then but just to make it interesting...if I win...

Riku: I GET TO SHARE THE PAOPU WITH KAIRI cough and Sora cough

Sora: uhh ok

They race, Sora LOSES.

Riku: BOOYAH! RIKU GONNA GET SOME TONIGHT!!

Kairi: TELL ME I'M PRETTY!!

Sora: walks to large tree and finds SECRET PLACE...I hope Tidus and Wakka aren't in here again...last time they wouldn't let anyone else in for hours...

TiWa fans: YAY!! WE EXIST TOO!!

Selphie: I want to be loved...pouts in the SHAME CLOSET with all the other FF rejects

Cait Sith: At least you get screen time YY

Door: IS THERE

Sora: tags walls

The Author:...ok am I the ONLY one who thinks that the picture of Kairi looks like Riku?!

Mysterious Figure that Appears MYSTERIOUSLY: DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORS...DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSS

Sora: AMBER ALERT!! I NEED AN ADULT!! runs

Mysterious Figure: DAMN...guess I'll have to rape his best friend later after I seduce him with darkness...

Disney: ok this is getting outta hand here...

Square: can't hear them over the sound of counting money

THE OTHER DAYS ON THE ISLAND

These scenes have been cut for time

The Author: Plus it's Boring...

DISNEY CASTLE

The Level: HA HA YOU AMERICANS CAN'T PLAY ON ME!!

Everyone Playing: sobs

Donald: OH NOES

Goofy: snores

Mickey flies away from Castle

Chip and Dale: defy logic by being MECHANICS for LARGE SHIPS

Chip: I'm an advanced engineer that has the ability to program these jelly bean blocks to traverse space and time!

Dale: ZOMG NUTS!!

THAT NIGHT

Sora: stares out window meaningfully

Storm: APPROACHES

Sora: OMG THE RAFT OF IMPORTANCE! I must hurry forth into the LIGHTENING and row my way across the WATER to get to the ISLAND OF EMPTINESS that has many TALL TREES/LIGHTENING RODS. he does so

The Author: ...Why is it that whenever something bad happens there's ALWAYS a STORM?

Heartless: HEH HEH BITCH! We're here too! skuttle about

Sora: LE GASP runs away screaming

The Secret Place: is blocked by FORESHADOWING DOOR

Sora: damn...can't open it...not gonna explain why...better find Riku so he can help me open it

Riku: BATHES IN DARKNESS

Sora: wow...for some reason I can't look away from that...

Every Girl Playing: DITTO

The Author: is taping it

Riku: COME WITH ME...INTO THE NIGHT!

Sora: MM KAY reaches but can't quite get it CURSE THESE SHOES!

Kairi: stands about like a zombie I shouldn't have tried those mushrooms...

Sora: is heard from distance cursing because he can't FIND HIS WAY in the DARK

The Author: took me 4 minutes...grumbles

Sora: stubs toe DAMMIT

Kairi: SOOOOOOORAAAAAAAAAA goes through him

Sora: Did we just do it?! OMG MY VIRGINITY!!

Darkside: BACK WITH A VENGENCE BABY totally destroys Island and leaves them fighting in NOTHINGNESS with a giant BLACK HOLE behind them

Sora: defeats Darkside and falls into black hole

TRAVERSE TOWN

Donald and Goofy: ARE THERE

Squall/LEON: IS THERE

Cid: IS THERE...CURSING

Sora: LANDS IN ALLEY and is MOLESTED BY PLUTO

Sora: WHY DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?!

Squall/LEON: It's your destiny...beats and drags off his body

The Author: Didn't I win this fight?! OO

Sora: hallucinates OMG KAIRI

Yuffie: YAY SOMEONE THOUGHT I WAS IMPORTANT!! FOR TWO SECONDS I FELT LOVE!!

Squall/LEON: get back in the closet where you belong...

Yuffie: decides to flirt with Squall instead

LeYu Fans: join the Fandom Society

Squall/LEON: torments Sora with USELESS FACTS

Sora: I HAVE A KEY...AND PEOPLE WANT IT...for some reason that you apparently decided not to tell me about

Yuffie: You'd be surpised how many people have locked themselves out of their cars

MEANWHILE

Donald: I'M TOUGH

Goofy: I can't understand a word your saying...this is gonna be a looooooooong game

Aerith: I changed my name for NO REASON AT ALL! taps Donald on shoulder

Donald: AHHHHHH DEAD GIRL

Haley Joel Osment: Dead people are EVERYWHERE OO

MEANWHILE...FAR FAR AWAY...

Sepiroth: Methinks a killin is in order...sharpens his OVERLY LONG SWORD, conditions his OVERLY LONG HAIR, and puts on his OVERLY LONG COAT...THINGY

The Author: obligatory joke that only ONE PERSON WILL GET IS EVERYTHING ON THIS GUY LONG?!

Mike: is probably laughing right now

LATER

Heartless: SWARM

Sora and Squall/LEON: fight like animals

Speakers: plays Eye of the Tiger

Sora: wanders about ALONE in the Third District

Donald and Goofy: are ABOVE

AND NOW THEY'RE NOT

Sora/Donald/Goofy Fans: ...

Sora: OH GOD MY SPINE

Donald: THE KEY OF IMPORTANCE! I'll just go ahead and assume that's it considering there can't be that many giant keys wandering about

THE BIG BAD: APPEARS MUAHAHAHAA I SHALL NOW HIT YOU WITH MY FLYAWAY PARTS!! is defeated after THREE TIMES...seriously I hate that damn guy

Sora: well I have never met you guys before nor do I know if you have any alterior motives... but I need to find my friends so ...LET'S TRAVEL TOGETHER!!

Selphie, Wakka, and Tidus: ARE NOT MENTIONED

The Parents: ARE NOT MENTIONED

Donald: ok but you have to stop gradually becoming emo...

Goofy: yea! HAPPY FACES!!

Sora: does the STUPIDEST FACE EVER

Everyone playing the game: WTF?! MY EYES!!

The Author: takes pills so she doesn't kill herself after seeing that image

Squall/LEON: yea...you need to go now

WONDERLAND

White Rabbit:RUNS

Sora and the Gang: FOLLOWS

The Door: IS THERE...SLEEPING

Sora: Dude wake up...I need to be inside you

Door: GTFO

Sora: clueless blink

Sora: sees table with unknown substance on it

Door: yea maybe you should drink that

Sora: Ok! follows the advice of a STRANGER and drinskthe STRANGE LIQUID/POSSIBLE POISON

Sora: shrinks

Sora's shoes: ARE STILL LARGE

Inside the door: COURT TIME

Speakers: law and order theme plays

Queen of Hearts: I AM ETERNALLY BITCHY!! YOU ALL MUST DIE!!

Alice: SCREW YOU HOR I DID NOTHING!

Queen: your point?

Sora: intrudes I know this is none of my business and I have no right to meddle...especially since this is not my world and I could totally destroy all your lives just by LOOKING at you..but..OBJECTION!

Phoenix Wright: WHAT HE SAID

Queen: fine whatever go frolic in the forest and find stuff then

Alice: HELP is locked in cage that appears from nowhere

Sora: Don't worry! I'll find clues to solve this case I knwo absolutly nothing about. Just let me go wander around int hat freaky forest and find random things to use as evidence.

goofy: It's a good thing nobody's life is dependent on this or else we'd be screwed

Alice: I'm doomed...

The Forest: ...is not very exciting

Flower: give me a potion and I'll make you bigger...

Sora:...how big we talking here? Cause I do need-

The Author: wtf?! This really is the weirdest Disney movie

Cheshire Cat: I'm gonna SCREW WITH YOUR MIND!

Sora: ummm why?

Chesire Cat: Cause I can

LATER

Queen: wow you brought back sufficient evidence...all signs point to the Heartless...this is pretty much an open and shut case..HOWEVER I demand you pick one of your boxes from the line after it's been mixed in with my boxes

Sora: THAT MAKES NO SENSE...and what's in your boxes?

Queen: ENEMIES

Sora: Well this is starting to become stupid

Sora: opens random box

Queen: YOU LOSE! KILL THEM ALL

Sora: OH NO

Donald: OH NO

Goofy: OH NO

Alice: OH NO

Kool Aid Man: bursts through wall OH YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

The Author: Guess what? I totally stole that

Random Pointless Battle that takes FOREVER: begins

Alice: is GONE

Sora: well damn...

Nobody: wuestions how the hell someone managed to sneak in and make off with her without being seen or heard or how they managed to raise the cage again without using the lever that is right next to the Queen

Cheshire Cat: BACK FOR AN ENCORE!!

The Big Bad of THIS LEVEL: APPEARS

Trickmaster: is STRETCHY

Table and Chairs: We'll HELP YOU!

Stove: I WON'T

TBB: smashes table and chairs

Stove: whistles innocently while lighting Trickmaster's torches

Sora:...double damn

OLYMPUS COLISEUM

The Level: is NOT ACCURATE

Phil: I'm apparently from Brooklyn

Sora: Makes about as much sense as everything else in here

Phil: This is for the big kids shorty. And even though there is NO ONE ELSE here and I desperatly need someone to fight in my Tournament, I'M NOT LETTING YOU IN

Hades: smuggles Sora in ILLEGALY

Sora: YAY I'm a FELON

Cloud: ANGSTS and walks about with his awesome red cape

Somewhere Far Far Away...

Vincent: comes out of the shower and looks for cape I'VE BEEN ROBBED!!

BACK ON OLYMPUS

Sora: Wow look it's my cough father cough look alike! MAYBE HE'LL BE MY FRIEND!! LET'S GO TO A BASBALL GAME TOGETHER!! HUG ME DADEEEE!!

Cloud: NO halfway kills

FLASHBACK

Hades: raises Cloud from the dead ok so I'm gonna need you to take this sword and go kill an innocent kid? Get it? Got it? Good.

Cloud: Is no one going to question how I'M dead but AERIS is alive? Anyone?

Hades: I'm bascially Satan so I better start double crossin

Cerberus: RAR I AM LARGE crushes Cloud

Cloud: Well damn...I'm dead...AGAIN

Hercules: comes to save the day BEHOLD MY INEFFECTUAL POWERS!!

Sora: where have you been?

Herc: Shopping for pants

Phil: HE CAN'T DO IT

Sora: I'll do it!

Phil: YOU CAN'T DO IT

Sora: CAN SO does it

Phil:...well damn

Herc: I'll give you guys this lame badge to show you are JUNIOR heroes now even though you totally defeated an INCREDIBLY CHALLENGING MONSTER that I with my GODLY POWERS was unable to defeat for some reason

Sora: WHEEEEEEEE

DEEP JUNGLE

The Players: wow someone actually cared enough about Tarzan to make a level of it on this game

Sora: crashes Gummi ship

Doanld: buys a gun

Sabor: YAY THE AUTHOR REMEMBERED MY NAME!! attacks Sora

Sora: beats with giant key

Sabor: runs off calling PETA

Donald:...how come we didn't die when we plummeted all the way down here?

Goofy: LOOK A MONKEY

Clayton: appears It'S MINE

Peta: keeps an eye on the idiot with the GIANT GUN

Sora: well what now?

Tarzan: jumps down and stares at Sora like a nice steak dinner

Sora: Wtf? do actually have DREADS?!

Sora: is able to slide around on apparently slippery trees

Tarzan: feels no pain walking around with NO SHOES

Jane: SERVES NO PURPOSE I left my home, family, and large fortune to come to AFRICA because I want to talk to Gorillas yet all I do all day is stand in this tent and talk about pictures

Sora: wow and I thought I didn't have a life...

Clayton: We better go shoot those gorillas

Everyone: stares

Clayton: ...WITH HUGS! shifty eyes

Sabor: appears many more times

Tarzen: doesn't really help

Donald: do you have to grunt like that everytime you THRUST YOUR SPEAR?!

Tarzan: well if I didn't the author wouldn't be able to make a dirty joke

The Author: damn straight

LOUD GUNSHOT(

Clayton:...I was ...cleaning it? OO

Gorilla Hangout

Kerchak: is a total gorilla pimp

Tarzan: in gorilla talk Come on Gorilla Daddy...we just need a little help and all you'd have to do is-

KerchaK: NO walks off

Tarzan: is totally burned

The Big Bad: IS CLAYTON

Clayton: HA DIDN'T SEE THAT COMING DIDJA?!

Everyone: yea we totally did...your pretty obvious

Clayton: WELL MY INVISIBLE BEAST IS NOT

Invisible Beast: easily defeated

Clayton: is stunned

Sora: well it's time for my Disney half to teach you that guns ARE NOT OK

Donald: however killing countless peoples for our own justice is JUST FINE

Clayton: is murdered

The Children Playing: YAY!! Let's go kill people too! Everyone will just blame GTA!

Rockstar: Dammit it all hides in cardboard box

TRAVERSE TOWN...AGAIN

Squall/LEON: Dear gods they're BACK!! Quickly, take this book and LEAVE ME to my ANGST

Sora: goes to RIDICULOUS DOOR and casts fire causing the cloth to MELT revealing ANOTHER door of EXACT APPEARANCE...yup

Donald: why didn't I just do that the first time we were here?

Merlin's House: NEEDS CLEANING I feel so abandoned...SOMEONE LOVE ME

Sora: hallucinates Ok this is getting old

The Author: AGREES

Merlin: I am here...let me use my LAZY MAGIC to unpack for me...FOR I AM MAGIC

Sora: dude...we get it

Merlin: GO PLAY WITH POOH

HUNDRED ACRE WOOD

The Level: IS VANDALIZED

Pooh: is FORGETFUL

People Playing: DO NOT CARE

BACK TO TRAVERSE TOWN

Speakers on lamps: plays Sexy Back

Sora: Does anyone else hear music? WAIT I KNOW THAT THEME MUSIC!

Riku: SUP BITCHES...I SURVIVED...and I'M TORMENTED

Sora: assaults and tugs Riku's face

Riku: STEP

Heartless: tries to go for Riku

Sora: suddenly gains to ability to kill in one hit

Riku: plays with keyblade I'm foreshadowing

Sora: Doesn't question Riku's knowledge of the Keyblade

Donald: I'M GONNA SPLIT YOU TWO APART

Sora: has Kairi reincarnated into you?

Maleficent: You don't need these tools...coem back to me ...in the darkness...so we can do things to you...in the DARK

AGRABAH

Jasmine: OH WOE I am out of character!

Jafar: menaces

Malificent: joins

Both of them: dicuss their plan OUT IN THE OPEN

Jasmine: HARK I DOTH HEAR A PLOT! runs off

Aladdin: OH WOE!! I AM DROWNING IN SAND!

Everyone Else: Get used to it...it's EVERYWHERE

This Joke: was totally brought to you by Aladdin and the King of Thieves

The Author: has a grudge against that movie WHY DIDN'T THEY GO WITH THE MOZENRATH SCRIPT?!

Mozenrath Fangirls (trust me they exist): RIP Jonathan Brandis!!

Sora: fights many battles

Cave of Wonders: MY TURN!! proves difficult to kill

Sora: it's time to apply the authors favorite way of fighting on here! hops up on bad guys head and uses donald and goofy for bait letting them take the bad guy almost down to zero then delivers the killing blow

Sora: puts down his lemonade long enough to stab Cave of Wonders in eye KEYBLADE MASTER BEEYOTCH

Jafar: stupidly wishes for STUPID THINGS and takes HOURS to do it, thereby letting the good guys CATCH UP

Sora: dude...you suck

Jasmine: WOE I am unconcious! I'm even MORE HELPLESS than I was earlier when I couldn't break out of that FLIMSY POT

Jafar: flies around shooting at nothing in particular

Genie: hits you more than the bad guy

Sora: WTF MAN?!

Jafar: turns into genie of BADASSERY

Iago: I'm GONNA MAKE THIS EASY FOR YA

Jafar: WHY DON'T I EVER THINK THIS THROUGH?!

The Author: would like to take the time to point out that if you get OUTSMARTED by SORA you really are STUPID

Jasmine: IS GONE

Sora: hmmm I'm beginning to sense a pattern here...

Speakers: are just barely heard playing Sexy Back

MONSTRO

Gummi Ship: is eaten

Captain Ahab: FETCH ME HARPOON!

Pinocc...Pinot Grigio...THE DAMN PUPPET: skips about

Geppetto: DOES NOT SUPERVISE

Cleo (for those who do not know IS A FISH): facefin

Sora: explores the insides of the whale and IS NOT GROSSED OUT or DIGESTED because apaprently whale insides are made of CANDY

Kids Playing This Game: fail science

Speakers: plays Sexy Back

Riku: taunts Sora

Sora: plays dumb

Riku: kidnapps puppet for some reason LET'S PLAY TAG

The Puppet: I NEED AN ADULT

The Big Bad: I'M AN ADULT swallows the Puppet...NOT THAT WAY

Geppetto: Hmm it feels like I should be out there looking too...oh well walks around on ship talking to the fish

The Big Bad: holds the Puppet captive in his stomach

Sora: stands exactly where he is and doesn't move until Riku, Donald, and Goofy get the Big Bad to almost zero

The Author: takes this time to get some good Riku Staring time in

The Big Bad: escapes

Everyone Playing: DAMMIT

The Author: Didn't I just win that fight?!

Speakers: STILL PLAYING

Riku: I grabbed the Puppet while no one was looking...

Sora: well let's go take him back then

Riku: NO I NEED HIS HEART FOR REASONS I WON'T EXPLAIN runs off

Sora: shrugs and chases after Riku

Riku: Im evil now. I need to suck out the heart of this puppet to fuel my DARKNESS

Sora: Ok wait a second...first off there is NO FREAKING WAY that piece of WOOD has a heart

Donald: Yea and secondly WTF?

The Big Bad: ENOUGH OF THIS CRAP

Riku: runs away

Speakers: finally shut off

Fangirls Playing: NOOOOOOOOO THE HOTTNESS IS GONE...AND THE MUSIC

Sora: defeats The Big Bad...FINALLY

Sora: did we really accomplish anything here?

Pinocchio: DADDY! I'm BACK

Gepetto: ...who are you again?

ATLANTICA

The Level: IS WATERY

Sora: turns into FANSERVICE

The Players: OMG underage jailbait Sora! TAKE IT AWAY WE DON'T WANT TO SEE!!

Pedophile Players: WE DO takes pictures

Ariel: swims up Our world has been overrun with Heartless and I'm in constant danger but being the REBELLIOUS teenager I am I'll become friends with the first thing I see

Sora: is taught to swim because even though he grew up on an ISLAND he is unable to move in the water without help

King Triton: is an ASS

Sebastian: is a SNITCH

Ariel: NEEDS AN ASS WHIPPING...if ya know, she had one...

Ursula: ACTS EVIL

Ariel: TOTALLY FALLS FOR IT

Ursula: ALMOST DESTROYS ATLANTICA

Ariel: hmmm somehow I think this might possibly be my fault...

Sora: God must I do EVERYTHING?! kills Ursula

King Triton: I only acted an ass because I needed someone to do all this work for me...because even though I have MIGHTY SEA POWERS I am pretty lazy

Goofy: ok seriously...how did you get elected King of the Seas?

Sora: god it can't possibly be worse than this...

People who have played Kingdom Hearts 2: ...

HALLOWEEN TOWN

Christains: It's a Halloween based movie...IT MUST BE EVIL!! Behold the lack of bright coloring...EVIL!!

The Author: glares

The Fans of NBC: wow this is gonna be fun! Nightmare Before Christmas is AWESOME

The Level: IS BORING

The Fans: cut themselves with Jack Knives We got these at Hot Topic

The Author: Because everyone who likes NBC is an Emo/Goth...

Jack: is moody

Sally: is suffering from sexual tension

Jack: as a guy notices NOTHING

The Author: comforts Sally and tells her to move on with her life and star in an NBC sequel where she takes over her OWN holiday like Valentines Day and KILLS EVERYONE

Oogie Boogie: is surprisingly LAME

Lock, Shock, and Barrel: are harder to fight than the ACTUAL BOSS

NEVERLAND

The Level: Is a PIRATE SHIP

Jack Sparrow: Is not there

The Fans: sobbing We'll wait for you Jack!!

Speakers: blare Sexy Back

Riku: Is showing up a lot now dude...I hate you now even though I totally don't...look what I found! holds up Kairi's dead like body

The Reason her body suddenly appeared and where Riku found it: the scene has been cut for time

Sora: who is that?

Riku: THROW THEM IN THE BRIG

Riku: I AM the Pirate KING

Captain Hook: has no power over his own ship GOd I am SO stabbing that kid in a minute

Riku: What was that?

Hook: umm...Smee did it?

Smee: SCREW YOU

Sora: lies in JUMBLE OF BODY PARTS

Peter Pan: IS THERE

Sora: wow...I never realized how GAY you look...aren't you like 16?

Peter Pan: you would recognize a gay man...and STFU Disney owns me...I'm not allowed to age...kinda like how Hilary Duff is never allowed to have sex

Tinkerbell: is still bitchy and jealous after 50 years

Peter Pan: Bitch open the door!

Tinkerbell: chimes her ANNOYING bells for hours before finally opening the damn door

The Author: tries for 30 minutes to squash her like a bug

Anti Sora: is BADASS

Sora: my god...that would be so cool if it wasn't gonna beat the shit outta me...

Everyone Playing: takes a minute to wonder if there's a cheat code that let's you play as Anti Sora

Everyone who has played Kingdom Hearts 2:

Riku: has run off with Kairi's body

The Author: Wow even without a heart she still has guys fighting over her...lucky bitch

Sora:is made to walk the plank Shouldn't I be tied up?

Smee: Nah it's good. Your gonna die anyway

Sora: But I even have my weapon still...I mean honestly what's stopping me from just kicking your ass?

Smee:...well I have these THREE heartless here with me

The Auther: seriously...three...wtf

Peter Pan: FLY YOU IDIOT! IT'S THE ONYL WAY TO WIN

Sora: flies around I could have done that walking you realize?

Peter: This way is cooler

Captain Hook: now that everyone's gone I can come out and fight!

Sora: throws his ass to the croc

HOLLOW BASTION

The Level: wins award for BEST NAME EVER

People Who Played Kingdom Hearts 2: ...

Riku: stands up top of waterfall looking angry

Beast: runs up and recieves beatdown for being so DAMN PATHETIC

Everyone Playing: well god no wonder his woman left him...

Sora: DUDE WTF Riku?!

Riku: hold that thought...runs to get stereo and puts in cd

Stereo: plays Sexy Back

Riku: ok starts acting a REAL ASS

Donald and Goofy: TOTALLY DESERT SORA

Everyone Playing: WTF?!

The Author: I knew we couldn't trust those bitches...

The Beast: Guess I'll tag along with you...but at the FIRST SIGN of my woman I'm leaving...I need to get laid so I don't die...

Disney: my god we really did write that didn't we?

Riku: appears with his new Lackeys

Beast: falls for an OBVIOUS TRAP

Riku: Time for a beatdown

Goofy: Well time for me to go back to Sora cause I'm so DAMN GOOD and PURE

Donald: sighs and follows

Sora: gives CORNIEST SPEECH EVER

Riku: turns evil just so he can beat Sora to death

Riku: BEHOLD THE POWER OF MY MAN SKIRT! IT GIVES ME +13 AGILITY (also it makes my ass look AWESOME)

The Author: ...is it bad that I agree with that?

Speakers: plays Linkin Park

Sora: fights Riku

The Author: is conflicted between finishing the game and hurting Riku

The Author's Sadistic Bloodlust side: DECIDES TO OWN THAT ASS

Riku: crawls away whining like an emo

Ansem: RAPES RIKU'S MIND and TAKES OVER HIS BODY

Maleficent: Wow I'm finally showing up again

Sora: GIVE KAIRI BACK

Donald: elbows

Sora: sigh and the others too

Maleficent: I WILL END YOU

Sora: ends her

Maleficent: damn I didn't see that coming...

Riku/Ansem: I did stabs with shiny new BADASS keyblade

The Author: DEAR GOD I WANT THAT THING

Maleficent: turns into her awesome dragon form and breathes her awesome green fire

Sora: totally kills by hiding up on the highest branch in room and letting Donald and Goofy get burned doing all the work

Sora: wow that was easy! I'm getting better at this

Donald and Goofy: have 3rd degree burns

Kairi: lies dead on floor

Riku/Ansem:looks sexy posing on top of last keyhole

Riku/Ansem: I miss my old theme music...no I don't ...yes I do...STOP ARGUING WITH MYSELF

Sora: runs up stairs

Goofy: hits STUPID barrier and is thrown backward

Sora: I don't like where this is going...

Donald: is backslapped across screen

Riku/Ansem: dusts hands and begins to SCREW with Sora's mind

Sora: has emo fit and hears voices in his head

Kairi's voice: TELL ME I'M PRETTY

Sora: AHHH MAKE IT STOP vents frustration on Riku/Ansem

Riku/Ansem:...well this sucks vanishes

Sora: stays true to his Square side and commits SUICIDE with Riku's keyblade of awesomeness

Disney Fans: OH MY GOD

Square: counts money

The Author: DON'T GET BLOOD ON THE KEYBLADE!!

MEANWHILE AT CASTLE OBLIVION

Roxas: appears I EXIST

Axel: I'M IN LOVE!! begins his career as pedophilic stalker

Namine: I've been here

Xigbar: plays on ceiling

BACK AT HOLLOW BASTION

Donald and Goofy: are traumatized

Kairi: wakes up WHY IS NO ONE TELLING ME I'M PRETTY?!

Sora: is heartless

The Author: LUCKY BASTARD

Kairi: CANNOT FIGHT...no seriously she sucks I'll protect you! ...oh shit nvm cowers

Sora: turns back into Human I AM REVIVED BY THE POWER OF HUGS

TRAVERSE TOWN

Squall/LEON: Your STILL ALIVE?! Go back to Hollow Bastion and die

Sora: Was there even a reason for me to come back here?

Cid: cusses up a storm but is censored by Disney

Cid's Cigarette: HAS BECOME A TOOTHPICK

HOLLOW BASTION

Sora: flies RIGHT BACK TO WHERE HE JUST WAS

Donald: You know for place that just had the DOOR TO HELL opened it's surprisingly calm here

Beast: Your STILL ALIVE?!

Sora: YOUR still alive?!

Belle: Here have a keychain you really coulda used earlier

Beast: ...so...how's things?

Belle: Wouldn't you like to know Mr. I'm gonna Desert my Woman to DARKNESS

Beast: is gonna sleep on the couch tonight

Sora: wanders about for a week trying to figure out WHERE THE HELL he's supposed to go

The Author: I really hate this part... I twas hard enough doing it once...WHY CAN'T THEY HAVE SIGNS?!

Sora: finally gets back to where the keyhole is and finds the Oblivion keychain

The Author: Well that's about ten shades of awesome...funny how you find that in the same place as the EXTREMELY hard fight you coulda really used it in

Sora: enters keyhole

Immature Players: snicker...he entered the keyhole...lmao

Behemoth: APPEARS FROM NOWHERE WITH NO WARNING AND STOMPS SORA FLAT

The Author: Was I the ONLY ONE who had this happen?!

Sora: administers beatdown and seals the door to Hell

Satan: CURSES

THE END OF THE WORLD

The World: is ending

Sora: wow there's like...nothing here...

Goofy: except that stuff that is

they fight...a LOT

Chernabog: APPEARS

Everyone Playing: who the hell is that?!

The Author: ... my god you people suck

Sora: kills him in the height of his glory

The Author: sobs and plays Night on Bald Mountain repeatedly in the DARK

Destiny Islands: is totally DESTROYED

Sora: Damn I know Riku hated this place but he didn't have to totally KILL IT

Donald: he's such an emo

Goofy: Like totally

Sora:runs to the SECRET PLACE...FOR NO REASON and for yet another unexplained reason this causes Riku to APPEAR

Riku/Ansem: stands on edge of awesome looking beach full of CRACKS

The Author: See those cracks? That's reality breaking apart because this game makes NO SENSE

Riku/Ansem: I am now totally evil. Let me give my required speech before we dive into one of the longest boss fights in history he does

The Speech: DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARKNESS

Riku/Ansem: And now I am gonna do further damge to your mind by letting you watch your best friend/unrequited lover/rival's body fade away he does

Sora: ON NOES!!

Donald: Are we even accomlishing ANYTHING at this point?

Ansem: DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS DARK DARKITY DARK DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

Sora: yea you need to die

9 HOURS LATER

Ansem: is almost dead but not quite

Sora:drinks Gatorade to stay focused

Door: is suddenly there for NO REASON

Ansem: DARKNESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS translation: Kingdom Hearts fill me with 10 more darkness!

Door: uhhh...I'm not Kingdom Hearts...and your not Ansem...shoots out Light

"Ansem": is hit DAMN

Door: HA PWNED

Sora: runs up and tries to shut Door because it is actually the DOOR to DARKNESS

Everyone Playing: WTF THIS MAKES NO SENSE

The Author: Tell me about it is still trying to figure things out YEARS LATER

Sora: can't shut the door

Donald and Goofy: can't shut the door

Speakers: blare Sexy Back

Riku: TIME TO REDEEM MYSELF...and DIE

Sora: but...

Riku: no it's hotter this way...we'll make out in the next game

Sora: closes door in his face Umm ok then

Riku: well you got over that fast...way to stab me int he back man

Everyone Playing: WTF?! They couldn't just close it TOGETHER from the OUTSIDE?!

BUT NOT BEFORE

Mickey: GETS OFF HIS ASS AND FINALLY SHOWS UP with a BETTER, SOLID GOLD KEYBLADE Ok well I've been here this ENTIRE TIME but who cares? Game's over now...I'll explain everything in the 2nd game

People who have played Kingdom Hearts 2: ...

Donald and Goofy: You mean we did all this for NOTHING?!

Kairi: is there

Sora: is there

Donald: ok how the HELL did she get here?

Kairi: starts to fade away

Sora: can't reach the TWO FEET to where she is

Kairi: SOOOOOOOOOOOORA is gone

Destiny Islands: IS BACK

Tidus, Wakka, and Selphie: WE EXIST AGAIN!

Everyone Playing: who are you people again?

Kairi: goes to SECRET PLACE

The Drawing: is still there

Kairi: wait a minute...that's not me!! cries

THE END

Everyone Playing: You mean we did this for NOTHING?! WHAT THE HELL DID WE ACCOMPLISH?!

SoKai and SoRi fans:...so which one of us wins?! OO

EPILOGUE 1: THE FIELD

Sora: is a walkin

Goofy: is a walkin

Donald: is a waddlin

Pluto: APPEARS

Everyone Playing: WTF HOW DOES HE DO THAT?!

A CHASE begins...

EPILOGUE ENDING 2: ANOTHER SIDE, ANOTHER GAME TO SPEND ALL YOUR MONEY ON

Random Looking Guy: walks around in the Rain and this makes sense because he is wearing a RAINCOAT

Neo Shadows: seep from the ground

Random Guy: pulls out TWO keyblades

Heartless: ATTACK EN MASSE

Random Guy: KICKS SO MUCH ASS THE SCREEN ALMOST EXPLODES

Guy Who Looks Like Riku: stands on building

Giant Tv: displays Kairi

Random Guy: looks up at Guy Who Looks Like Riku

Heartless Symbol: APPEARS

Guy Who Looks Like Riku: removes blindfold AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND...

FADE TO BLACK

A bunch of Meaningless Words: fly by screen so freaking fast it's IMPOSSIBLE to read them

Girl Who Looks Like Kairi But Is Never Explained in Any Kingdom Hearts Game: HOLY CRAP FALLING STAR

THE ACTUAL END

Everyone Playing:...DAMN YOU SQAURE runbs off to buy the second game

Square: counts money while drinking human blood

Disney: sobs in corner

The Author:...yea I scare me too...AND THIS IS THE EDITED VERSION Oo


	2. Author's Note

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for reading my fic and for the reviews! I'd just lov ethat people actually read this and liked it. This was my first fic and I am so glad it's received such positive response. Being that it has, I have decided to contiue writing fics, most of which will be HILARIOUIS (I hope...)

That being said I would like to take this time to point out why the first Kingdom Hearts fic was difficult to read. It's very simple actually: apparently does not allow ASTERIKS in their fics. I don't know why this is so but I assure you it aggravates me to no end. I spent HOURS getting that fic just right and when I uploaded it I saw that the asteriks were gone so I was a little peeved. SO I spent MORE HOURS trying to go back and PAINSTAKINGLY replace them all.

Needless to say it didn't work.

So for all of you who got a bit confused by this, I apologize and make this promise that the next fic I write will have a different way of addressing actions and such.

In conlusion thanks once again and keep checking to see when the next fics come.

My next fic will be either Kingdom Hearts CoM based of Kingdom Hearts 2 based. If you'd like write a review and tell me which one you'd like to see first.

Thanks!

- Silver


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